Written by Umang Saini
on 

Genetics

A consequential decision in one’s life is the selection of a life-partner. Nothing prepares one to make this decision, and mechanisms society has established are not necessarily the best.

It is primarily an information game, and both sides have an interest in hiding the ugly parts.

In an ideal world, love-marriage should work for everyone, and it is by-far the preferred way to make the decision. However, many of us chicken out of this, and fall-back to the “arranged” method where family or friends bring prospects, and some sort of selection process takes place across several months and sometimes years. For me this process lasted for around eighteen months, where first twelve months were pretty much a waste.

There are several other aspects to this selection process which need a rethink. At the end of the day, the bride and the groom need to align on which of these aspects they can ignore, and where they need to put their foot down. Some aspects like color of the skin, net-worth (assets), joint-family etc. continue to influence the selection process in the sub-continent. I can say this categorically that none of these “societal” factors have any merit whatsoever. In fact, in many cases the exact opposite of is likely a better choice.

This brings us to something called bio-data, it is the information one is discloses to a prospective match. It is shared with trusted parties along with some photographs. It is woefully inadequate to base any decision based on this information.

So how should one execute this important task?

Sadly there is no good answer. If we look at the data, majority of couples these days meet online. So internet apparently is the place where you are likely to find some answer. I have few suggestions which may or may not help. I cannot vouch whether any of these will yield any benefit, so take them with a pinch of salt.

  1. Parents are a strong indicator of how a person will age. We may not like the genetic-determinism aspect of this, however it is a great indicator. So the wisdom that you marry the family, is largely true. (However siblings are not a great indicator)
  2. Equality matters. The principle of equality is important. Choose a partner who is your equal, as an asymetrical marriage in unlikely to work.
  3. You can trust the judgement of your parents, so if they veto someone, it is unwise to go against it, unless you can well and truly convince them otherwise. Going against the judgement of parents is rarest of rare situations, although Bollywood would like to portray it differently.
  4. A nominal period of time and counselling is required before agreeing to a match. This should not take too long though, else the indecisiveness may put a strain on the relationship before it commences.

That’s all. Four simple points. None of these may be relevant for your search, and at the end of the day we adapt to our choices and commitments. It will work out.

Best, Umang

p.s. - Below is the version which Claude rewrote for clarity and precision.

Choosing a Life Partner: A Personal Perspective

Selecting a life partner is one of life’s most consequential decisions. While society has established various mechanisms for matchmaking, their effectiveness remains questionable. The process is fundamentally an information challenge, where both parties often conceal their less favorable aspects.

In contemporary society, love marriage represents the ideal path for many. However, a significant number of people opt for the “arranged” approach, where family and friends introduce potential partners. This structured selection process typically spans months or even years. My personal experience with arranged marriage lasted eighteen months, with the initial year yielding little progress.

The selection criteria in South Asian communities often emphasize factors like skin color, financial assets, and joint family arrangements. Based on my experience, these societal parameters lack merit and may even be counterproductive to finding a compatible partner.

A critical component of the arranged marriage process is the “bio-data” - a document shared with potential matches containing personal information and photographs. However, this standardized format provides insufficient insight for such a significant decision.

Statistical data indicates that most couples today meet through online platforms, suggesting the internet has become a primary matchmaking venue. While I offer the following suggestions based on my observations, their effectiveness may vary for different individuals:

  1. Genetic Influence: Parents often provide insights into how a person might age and develop over time. While this may seem deterministic, family background can offer valuable indicators about long-term compatibility. However, siblings’ characteristics are less reliable predictors.

  2. Partnership Equality: A balanced relationship, where both partners share similar levels of education, values, and life goals, typically proves more sustainable than relationships with significant disparities.

  3. Parental Wisdom: Consider parental guidance seriously. While their judgment shouldn’t be absolute, their life experience and perspective often prove valuable. Proceeding against parental advice should be rare and carefully considered, despite popular media portrayals suggesting otherwise.

  4. Courtship Period: Allow sufficient time for mutual understanding and professional counseling before commitment, but avoid prolonged indecision that might strain the developing relationship.

Despite these guidelines, remember that successful partnerships often transcend conventional wisdom. Even seemingly improbable matches can flourish when both partners commit to making the relationship work.